Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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