it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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