I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
