I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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