I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
