Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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