Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
