My hand turned me down
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
