apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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