So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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