Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
