So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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