God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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