Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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