Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
