I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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