K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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