she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize