Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
