No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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