If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
This gyro tastes like lonliness
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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