Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
