Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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