hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize