guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
