fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
