I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
