what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize