this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
40s are totally the cure
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Randomize
