I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
