Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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