Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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