I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
