oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
