Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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