I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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