i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Someone came in the potted fern
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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