So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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