based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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