: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
