No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
