you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
