Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
