Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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