i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize