goodnight i made you a song goodbye
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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