Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Drunk is not a location!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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