New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize