I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
