see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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