i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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