His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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