My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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