Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
