It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
