Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
