Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize